Talk to your kids, stop the bullying!
I am thankful for the opportunity to share my 10 year old son's experience with bullying, but disheartened at the same time that I have a story to share. I have always tried to teach my own children compassion and empathy, and I feel that the actions of other people’s children undermine the values I have tried to instill in my own children in order for them to grown up to be compassionate, respectful, and successful adults.
My son’s story begins with his love for art. In third grade his teacher recognized how much he enjoyed art and began to use that as a tool to reward his good behavior. On the days my son was well behaved and completed his work early, his teacher would let him go to the art room to help the art instructor clean up and set up the room for the next class. My son went to an art camp that next summer and really enjoyed it. In fourth grade, something began to change. My son was selected as a fourth grade finalist for a Christmas ornament competition, and got to travel to the State House and hang his ornament on the large Christmas tree in the rotunda. Later during his fourth grade year, he began to say things like, “He only chose my ornament because he likes me,” concerning his art teacher. Although I understand favoritism does often occur, I feel in my heart that this was not the case. My son is very creative and has used mixed media such as writing and drawing without any influence to do so. He also began to tell me that he “hates art” and I originally attributed it to the possibility that he is being teased because the other children in his school suspect the art teacher is gay.
Recently, I began questioning my son to discover the reason he is now performing poorly in art (it has become his worst class grade) When I asked him if he was teased because he likes art, he adamantly says he isn’t. I asked him if he was teased because of liking a class that is taught by someone kids might think is gay. I was not expecting for him to tell me that kids in his grade say things to him like, “You are making Mr. S gay” I struggle nearly every day trying to explain to my 10 year old that if he enjoys art, it is something he should continue to do regardless of how much he is bullied for liking art. As a parent, I feel like I am asking him to remain a target, and at the same time, I feel as though it is so unfair to him that he cannot continue to do something he enjoys because he is also incredibly sensitive.
What makes my situation even more stressful, is that I am reluctant to tell my own children about my sexual orientation and only because I do not want them to be the subjects of more bullying. I am comfortable in my “own skin” but my underlying instinct to protect my children has led me to believe that their lives would be much easier if I do not date and wait to talk to them about my orientation until they are out of school. That is not the example I want to set for my children though, because I want them to know that being “authentic” is an important key to their happiness. I just wish I could change the behavior of other people’s children, or demonstrate to them how harmful bullying is to a young child.
I have always instilled empathy and compassion in my children, perhaps due to my own life experiences with having a sister who had severe brain damage, and a brother who had severe mental illness. I suffered the loss of my sister when I was 13 and my brother when I was 29. Growing up with a severely physically disabled sibling, I began speaking up for others when I was young. I did not expect my oldest son to do this because he would only be ostracized more, but he is an incredible young man and surprises me every day with his actions. Yesterday, he told me there are three kids in his class who no one else ever wants to be partners with, so he takes turns being partners with each of them. I told him this morning on the way to school how proud I am of him.
My son’s story begins with his love for art. In third grade his teacher recognized how much he enjoyed art and began to use that as a tool to reward his good behavior. On the days my son was well behaved and completed his work early, his teacher would let him go to the art room to help the art instructor clean up and set up the room for the next class. My son went to an art camp that next summer and really enjoyed it. In fourth grade, something began to change. My son was selected as a fourth grade finalist for a Christmas ornament competition, and got to travel to the State House and hang his ornament on the large Christmas tree in the rotunda. Later during his fourth grade year, he began to say things like, “He only chose my ornament because he likes me,” concerning his art teacher. Although I understand favoritism does often occur, I feel in my heart that this was not the case. My son is very creative and has used mixed media such as writing and drawing without any influence to do so. He also began to tell me that he “hates art” and I originally attributed it to the possibility that he is being teased because the other children in his school suspect the art teacher is gay.
Recently, I began questioning my son to discover the reason he is now performing poorly in art (it has become his worst class grade) When I asked him if he was teased because he likes art, he adamantly says he isn’t. I asked him if he was teased because of liking a class that is taught by someone kids might think is gay. I was not expecting for him to tell me that kids in his grade say things to him like, “You are making Mr. S gay” I struggle nearly every day trying to explain to my 10 year old that if he enjoys art, it is something he should continue to do regardless of how much he is bullied for liking art. As a parent, I feel like I am asking him to remain a target, and at the same time, I feel as though it is so unfair to him that he cannot continue to do something he enjoys because he is also incredibly sensitive.
What makes my situation even more stressful, is that I am reluctant to tell my own children about my sexual orientation and only because I do not want them to be the subjects of more bullying. I am comfortable in my “own skin” but my underlying instinct to protect my children has led me to believe that their lives would be much easier if I do not date and wait to talk to them about my orientation until they are out of school. That is not the example I want to set for my children though, because I want them to know that being “authentic” is an important key to their happiness. I just wish I could change the behavior of other people’s children, or demonstrate to them how harmful bullying is to a young child.
I have always instilled empathy and compassion in my children, perhaps due to my own life experiences with having a sister who had severe brain damage, and a brother who had severe mental illness. I suffered the loss of my sister when I was 13 and my brother when I was 29. Growing up with a severely physically disabled sibling, I began speaking up for others when I was young. I did not expect my oldest son to do this because he would only be ostracized more, but he is an incredible young man and surprises me every day with his actions. Yesterday, he told me there are three kids in his class who no one else ever wants to be partners with, so he takes turns being partners with each of them. I told him this morning on the way to school how proud I am of him.
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