Life Goes on...With Purpose.
After my brother passed away, my goals in life became more purposeful. I was in the Navy and loved the military, but I hated my job as an Electronic Technician (ET). I enlisted as an ET because that was the rate that offered the most money for college, and I planned to finish my Bachelor's degree eventually. 
After having majored in Marine Biology, Music Therapy, and Psychology, I decided the best way to turn my brother's death into something positive was to use my experience with mental illness to help others. I planned to finish my Bachelor's degree in Psychology and continue to Graduate School to study for my Ph. D. Part one of my plan worked out rather successfully. I received my Bachelor's degree in Psychology with honors in 2009. I began Graduate School that fall.
The second part of my plan was a miserable failure. The anxiety I experienced from the workload of classes and research led me to wish it was physical pain I had to endure. I sought help at the Veteran's hospital in Indianapolis because I had never experienced a bout of anxiety quite so difficult. I began to see a Clinical Psychologist and had some enlightening moments. Unfortunately, it was too late to develop better coping skills without resorting to using medication, which I was adamantly against. I withdrew from Graduate School before I could be told I had failed. I didn't discuss my decision with my mentor or the Department Chair because I didn't want anyone to try and talk me out of my decision. I also did not want to use PTSD as an excuse. I had been able to cope with the stresses of life up to the age of 35, there was no reason I couldn't cope with Graduate School. Looking back, I realize what I was doing. I anticipated criticism so much I believed I was better off either completing my work perfectly, or not doing it at all. With this belief, I was mostly able to complete my undergraduate work to my standards and draw minimal criticism. In Graduate School, this method of coping was very destructive, but it was what I had for coping skills without medication until I could learn to accept criticism as just that, and not a personal attack.
Growing up, much of what I experienced were personal attacks, from my own mother. I only just learned recently that besides bi-polar disorder, my mother also struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. It took nearly 35 years for me to stop making excuses for her and why she felt it necessary to get her point across by hitting me. I blamed it on her drinking, the pain medications, and her unfortunate life circumstances. Perhaps because I have children of my own, I now realize that there is never a valid excuse for hitting one's own children.
When my brother died, all hope escaped my being. My sister had passed away at the age of 15 and I didn't believe I deserved to be the only one left (Now I know, this is survivor's guilt). That thought quickly turned into searching for my own purpose. My son was two at the time, and I could never follow through with what I considered for that brief moment and cause him a similar pain. I also believe that if I can help one individual in my entire lifetime as a result of my experiences, I have succeeded.
I had to turn my anguish into something positive to cope. The best way for me to do this is to put that negative energy into positive actions and help others in any way possible I can. I may be “the last one standing” but there is a reason this is true. I will actively continue to seek my purpose and help others find their own.
The second part of my plan was a miserable failure. The anxiety I experienced from the workload of classes and research led me to wish it was physical pain I had to endure. I sought help at the Veteran's hospital in Indianapolis because I had never experienced a bout of anxiety quite so difficult. I began to see a Clinical Psychologist and had some enlightening moments. Unfortunately, it was too late to develop better coping skills without resorting to using medication, which I was adamantly against. I withdrew from Graduate School before I could be told I had failed. I didn't discuss my decision with my mentor or the Department Chair because I didn't want anyone to try and talk me out of my decision. I also did not want to use PTSD as an excuse. I had been able to cope with the stresses of life up to the age of 35, there was no reason I couldn't cope with Graduate School. Looking back, I realize what I was doing. I anticipated criticism so much I believed I was better off either completing my work perfectly, or not doing it at all. With this belief, I was mostly able to complete my undergraduate work to my standards and draw minimal criticism. In Graduate School, this method of coping was very destructive, but it was what I had for coping skills without medication until I could learn to accept criticism as just that, and not a personal attack.
Growing up, much of what I experienced were personal attacks, from my own mother. I only just learned recently that besides bi-polar disorder, my mother also struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. It took nearly 35 years for me to stop making excuses for her and why she felt it necessary to get her point across by hitting me. I blamed it on her drinking, the pain medications, and her unfortunate life circumstances. Perhaps because I have children of my own, I now realize that there is never a valid excuse for hitting one's own children.
When my brother died, all hope escaped my being. My sister had passed away at the age of 15 and I didn't believe I deserved to be the only one left (Now I know, this is survivor's guilt). That thought quickly turned into searching for my own purpose. My son was two at the time, and I could never follow through with what I considered for that brief moment and cause him a similar pain. I also believe that if I can help one individual in my entire lifetime as a result of my experiences, I have succeeded.
I had to turn my anguish into something positive to cope. The best way for me to do this is to put that negative energy into positive actions and help others in any way possible I can. I may be “the last one standing” but there is a reason this is true. I will actively continue to seek my purpose and help others find their own.
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