Grateful

I think of Josh and Jennifer often, but there are certain days of the year when I feel compelled to write down just how grateful I am to have had them as a part of my life, even if for only a short time. Much of who I am is because of them. I regret that they were both taken from my life way too soon, but I will never regret the time they were in my life and the lessons each of them taught me, and continue to teach me.

I know if Josh and Jennifer were still alive, I would still be searching for a purpose. Part of my purpose began with the lesson I learned from having a sister born with severe brain damage; her purpose was to teach me compassion for those with literally no voice. I am grateful I can use my voice to help others. My sister also taught me to appreciate what I have regardless of material possessions, because I have my health. Jennifer was only expected to survive until the age of five or six and lived to be 15; she was incredibly strong for all the health problems she faced. I only hope I could be as strong if faced with health challenges.

Nine years seems like a long time ago, but it feels like Josh and I were just joking around yesterday. Then I remember he never had the opportunity to meet Joseph and the last time he saw Jacob, he was just two years old. Not having him around to see my children grow up is probably the worst part, he loved Jacob immensely, and was proud to be an uncle. When I received Josh's wallet, a picture of Jacob with Santa was right in front. Josh was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 19, and despite how some stigmatize the illness he had, he was my brother, and my love for him was unconditional. I knew him from the time he was a happy carefree kid with the potential to reach his dreams. The morning I found out he had died from a heroin overdose, I felt guilty to be the only one of the three of us still alive. I did everything I thought I could to help Josh, although I realized after years of blaming myself that what I did do was make sure he knew I loved him.

I do believe experiencing the loss of both my siblings before I turned 30 caused my path to change. I had never before questioned why or what I was supposed to do with my life, and now I have achieved a clarity in defining my own purpose. I have always been caring and compassionate of the life circumstances of others because I know what it feels like to see people I love not have the opportunities I have. In a fair and just world, everyone should have the same opportunity to reach their own dreams. Regardless of any attribute that would make it seem otherwise, reaching our own potential is something we all desire and hold in common. By reaching my potential, I will have certainly achieved Josh and Jennifer's desire for my happiness and in turn, part of theirs.


Maybe I needed more guardian angels..