I Dreamed a Dream

When I was in my Freshman year of college, I spent Christmas break preparing pieces of music for an audition to the Music School at the University of Miami. One of those pieces was a song I had grown to absolutely love, I Dreamed a Dream from the musical Les Miserables. While in its explicit context of a lover lost, I could not relate at just the age of 18, but I could relate to the heartache and the desire to have had a different less abused life. 

This experience is one of those that shaped my desire for justice and when I see injustice I feel absolutely distraught. I will never forget what that voice teacher said to me: "When Fantine sings this she has been through so much. I just feel like you are too young to convey this in the piece." I am certain she saw my face turn dark red, but I didn't say anything because I didn't owe her an explanation or my trauma. 

By the time I was 18, I had lost a sibling, been physically and emotionally abused, and considered taking my own life to save my only other sibling, my brother Josh. I welled up with tears when I sang that song.  

I believed her. I chose to sing Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from Phantom of the Opera instead at my audition. This experience is important to knowing who I am and how my values have been shaped. I allowed people to gaslight me and abuse me because I thought I deserved it. I didn't stand up for myself until I was 36 and realized I am adult survivor of child abuse. I made excuses for people who were abusive physically and mentally because I have empathy for them. 

I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE INVOLVED IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. And if anyone has ever felt cancelled because of this boundary, it might be time for some serious introspection. 

Time does not heal all wounds. Time is not what it will take. Treatment, medication, behavior change, try those things next time. 

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